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Ranking Quark's love interests by long-term compatibility
Archiving/crossposting from Tumblr:
So in response to this poll on how many Quark ships I have, I was talking about the fact that, while I do ship Quark with everyone, Quodo is definitely "OTP" for me, both in the sense that it's the Quark pairing I spend most of my time thinking about and also in the sense that I do think Odo is Quark's one "True Love," so to speak. Not like I think True Love is a thing that makes sense in real life but in terms of narrative, I think Quark and Odo are set up as having long-term compatibility and being made for each other, more so than most ships involving Quark.
So then this inspired me to go through Quark's various love interests and rate them in terms of their long-term compatibility with him. No one asked for this but here we go:
Quark/Bashir: 2/10. They might sleep together occasionally as a kind of mutual pity fuck when they're both single and sad about it. They're both horny and slutty. Aside from that, they have nothing else in common. They work fine as friends, though.
Quark/Brunt: 4/10. This one is hard to say. I actually read Brunt as interested in Quark sexually rather than romantically, so like 2/10, but I guess it's possible Brunt wants more than that. But if so, it would be the messiest, most drama-filled relationship ever, and most likely filled with many false starts and missed opportunities before they actually got together.
Quark/Dukat: -1/10. Dukat could be down to fuck, but his romantic tastes lean way too het (and uhhh Bajoran) to even consider Quark any kind of love interest.
Quark/Ezri Dax: 3/10. Probably has more of a chance than Jadzia just because I think Quark is more interested in/concerned for Ezri as a person than he is Jadzia (whose main attractive feature to him is She's Hot and Fun). Also, while Ezri is having a hard time and trying to figure things out, I can see her being drawn to an older guy with fatherly (or uncle-y) vibes. She would eventually outgrow any relationship they have, though.
Quark/Garak: 0/10. These two are definitely down to fuck but I think Quark would ultimately just be scared of Garak and would try to keep things as casual as possible, and Garak mainly humors Quark but is completely uninterested in him as a partner.
Quark/Grilka: 1/10. The incompatibility is mainly in their stations. Grilka is the head of a major Klingon house. Quark is a Ferengi bartender. There is just no way there's any kind of long-term potential. In an AU where they come from similar backgrounds, though, they'd be fun-loving prankster BFFs and it could work.
Quark/Hanok: 6/10. I see them more as sexual one-night stands or a recurrent booty call. That said, Hanok and Quark seem to have a long-lived business relationship at least, so there is at least some stability to their relationship.
Quark/Jadzia Dax: 2/10. Same as Bashir: I can see them sleeping together as a mutual pity fuck, but neither of them are interested in each other any other way. But they otherwise vibe as human beings.
Quark/Keiko O'Brien: 5/10. She’d be up for it -- as part of the polycule, though, not with Quark as a primary partner.
Quark/Kira: -5/10. Yeah... hatesex is all I've got for these two. Way too much of Kira's character would need to change (in a bad way) for her to even be interested in a long-term relationship with Quark.
Quark/Miles O'Brien: 2/10. Miles has nothing but contempt for Quark so normally it would be a 0/10. As part of a complicated polycule, though, Miles would probably accept some kind of long-term semi-romantic intertwining of his and Quark's lives, albeit grudgingly.
Quark/Morn: 0/10. I'm pretty sure these two are firmly platonic... Right?? Not like they've never thought about it, but they're just never gonna go there.
Quark/Natima: -1/10. While Quark has convinced himself that he and Natima have long-term compatibility, they deeply do not. Like with Grilka, most of this is life circumstances -- their lifestyles are completely incompatible. But even setting that aside, they actually have nothing in common. It was a beautiful relationship... but it belongs in the past.
Quark/Odo: 8/10. While Quark and Odo have some of the tension and hate of enemies-to-lovers, they're also basically friends-to-lovers. These two are best friends even if only Quark will admit it (and even then, only one-sidedly -- he (accurately) thinks he's Odo's best friend, but Odo is actually also HIS best friend too). Some points off because the bickering and job-related tension might make a relationship impossible. But somehow I think they'd make it work.
Quark/Pel: 9/10. The polar opposite of Natima: Quark has convinced himself he couldn't be happy in a relationship with Pel. He is utterly WRONG. As much as it would chafe him to play second fiddle in business to his gender non-conforming wife, this is the only home life he has ever known, so… In an alternate universe from our own, you can easily imagine Pel having been a recurring love interest, reacting to the cultural changes on Ferenginar alongside Quark.
Quark/Sakonna: 4/10. It would take a really long time for Sakonna to even pick up on the fact that Quark is interested in her in a romantic/sexual way. When she finally realizes it, she'd be like, "Oh. I’m not interested in that." She could probably be persuaded to change her mind, though.
Quark/Sisko: 6/10. Sisko always exerts a strong pull in the direction of commitment in his relationships, and he'd have the patience for the negotiation of values that a long-term relationship with Quark would require, and a relationship with Quark would force both of them to change in interesting ways. So lots of potential but also at the end of the day, they're very different people who live very different lives so that would be the main obstacle.
Quark/Worf: 3/10. Like with Sisko, Worf tugs strongly in the direction of long-term commitment, which helps. Unlike Sisko, Worf would have less patience for dealing with Quark's nonsense. Still, Worf respects the chutzpah with which he threw himself into learning Klingon practices ("Looking for Par'mach..." is half a Quark/Worf episode, I am convinced -- the inherent homoeroticism of letting a guy control your body...).
So in response to this poll on how many Quark ships I have, I was talking about the fact that, while I do ship Quark with everyone, Quodo is definitely "OTP" for me, both in the sense that it's the Quark pairing I spend most of my time thinking about and also in the sense that I do think Odo is Quark's one "True Love," so to speak. Not like I think True Love is a thing that makes sense in real life but in terms of narrative, I think Quark and Odo are set up as having long-term compatibility and being made for each other, more so than most ships involving Quark.
So then this inspired me to go through Quark's various love interests and rate them in terms of their long-term compatibility with him. No one asked for this but here we go:
Quark/Bashir: 2/10. They might sleep together occasionally as a kind of mutual pity fuck when they're both single and sad about it. They're both horny and slutty. Aside from that, they have nothing else in common. They work fine as friends, though.
Quark/Brunt: 4/10. This one is hard to say. I actually read Brunt as interested in Quark sexually rather than romantically, so like 2/10, but I guess it's possible Brunt wants more than that. But if so, it would be the messiest, most drama-filled relationship ever, and most likely filled with many false starts and missed opportunities before they actually got together.
Quark/Dukat: -1/10. Dukat could be down to fuck, but his romantic tastes lean way too het (and uhhh Bajoran) to even consider Quark any kind of love interest.
Quark/Ezri Dax: 3/10. Probably has more of a chance than Jadzia just because I think Quark is more interested in/concerned for Ezri as a person than he is Jadzia (whose main attractive feature to him is She's Hot and Fun). Also, while Ezri is having a hard time and trying to figure things out, I can see her being drawn to an older guy with fatherly (or uncle-y) vibes. She would eventually outgrow any relationship they have, though.
Quark/Garak: 0/10. These two are definitely down to fuck but I think Quark would ultimately just be scared of Garak and would try to keep things as casual as possible, and Garak mainly humors Quark but is completely uninterested in him as a partner.
Quark/Grilka: 1/10. The incompatibility is mainly in their stations. Grilka is the head of a major Klingon house. Quark is a Ferengi bartender. There is just no way there's any kind of long-term potential. In an AU where they come from similar backgrounds, though, they'd be fun-loving prankster BFFs and it could work.
Quark/Hanok: 6/10. I see them more as sexual one-night stands or a recurrent booty call. That said, Hanok and Quark seem to have a long-lived business relationship at least, so there is at least some stability to their relationship.
Quark/Jadzia Dax: 2/10. Same as Bashir: I can see them sleeping together as a mutual pity fuck, but neither of them are interested in each other any other way. But they otherwise vibe as human beings.
Quark/Keiko O'Brien: 5/10. She’d be up for it -- as part of the polycule, though, not with Quark as a primary partner.
Quark/Kira: -5/10. Yeah... hatesex is all I've got for these two. Way too much of Kira's character would need to change (in a bad way) for her to even be interested in a long-term relationship with Quark.
Quark/Miles O'Brien: 2/10. Miles has nothing but contempt for Quark so normally it would be a 0/10. As part of a complicated polycule, though, Miles would probably accept some kind of long-term semi-romantic intertwining of his and Quark's lives, albeit grudgingly.
Quark/Morn: 0/10. I'm pretty sure these two are firmly platonic... Right?? Not like they've never thought about it, but they're just never gonna go there.
Quark/Natima: -1/10. While Quark has convinced himself that he and Natima have long-term compatibility, they deeply do not. Like with Grilka, most of this is life circumstances -- their lifestyles are completely incompatible. But even setting that aside, they actually have nothing in common. It was a beautiful relationship... but it belongs in the past.
Quark/Odo: 8/10. While Quark and Odo have some of the tension and hate of enemies-to-lovers, they're also basically friends-to-lovers. These two are best friends even if only Quark will admit it (and even then, only one-sidedly -- he (accurately) thinks he's Odo's best friend, but Odo is actually also HIS best friend too). Some points off because the bickering and job-related tension might make a relationship impossible. But somehow I think they'd make it work.
Quark/Pel: 9/10. The polar opposite of Natima: Quark has convinced himself he couldn't be happy in a relationship with Pel. He is utterly WRONG. As much as it would chafe him to play second fiddle in business to his gender non-conforming wife, this is the only home life he has ever known, so… In an alternate universe from our own, you can easily imagine Pel having been a recurring love interest, reacting to the cultural changes on Ferenginar alongside Quark.
Quark/Sakonna: 4/10. It would take a really long time for Sakonna to even pick up on the fact that Quark is interested in her in a romantic/sexual way. When she finally realizes it, she'd be like, "Oh. I’m not interested in that." She could probably be persuaded to change her mind, though.
Quark/Sisko: 6/10. Sisko always exerts a strong pull in the direction of commitment in his relationships, and he'd have the patience for the negotiation of values that a long-term relationship with Quark would require, and a relationship with Quark would force both of them to change in interesting ways. So lots of potential but also at the end of the day, they're very different people who live very different lives so that would be the main obstacle.
Quark/Worf: 3/10. Like with Sisko, Worf tugs strongly in the direction of long-term commitment, which helps. Unlike Sisko, Worf would have less patience for dealing with Quark's nonsense. Still, Worf respects the chutzpah with which he threw himself into learning Klingon practices ("Looking for Par'mach..." is half a Quark/Worf episode, I am convinced -- the inherent homoeroticism of letting a guy control your body...).
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